It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better.

well I'm back and i feel like this blogging thing is getting easier.I want you to know that I'm not telling you this stuff to brag.I'm letting you guys know that i was a tough and rough fighter on the outside,but on the inside i was a hurting and shameful little boy because i never dealt with my problems i would just stuff them deep down inside and cover my pain with the smile of some high that i would get from doing many drugs.My friends thought i was a funny out going and the guy they wanted at the party because if i was there they knew they were going to have fun,but when i was alone i was nothing like that i was so fragile and scared of the things that i had done catching up with me that i had to stay high just to get through the day without falling apart.I put on a good front for a long time and nobody knew the pain i was feeling even when i lost my daughter i made it seem like i didn't care.I carried this hurt in me for a few years and as i kept doing drugs and partying i still worked the whole time,but i wasn't very reliable.I was working at a cap shop in Anderson when one day some balloons and a card came for me to my job and everybody was like man who is sending you flowers?I thought i had a secret admirer or something,but when i opened the card it said the worse thing i could have read.It said that it was from my x girlfriend and that she wanted me to sign over my rights to my daughter because she had found someone else and he was more of a father to her than i ever was.It crushed me and not because she said that,but because it was true and i knew once again that i had to deal with something that i had done.I delt with it by going and meeting them at there Lawyers office and signing the papers to let this man adopt my daughter.I signed and shook his hand and told them that i was glad that she had a father figure in her life and that i was glad that her mother had found someone who treated her like she deserved.I drove away and cried all the way home because i had just gave my daughter to a man i didn't know and that is one of the worst feelings i have ever felt til this day.How did i deal with it well i got even deeper into drugs of course and are you seeing a pattern here?I got deeper into dealing and using drugs so bad that one day i went with a couple of guys who worked with me and the lived in Anderson to go get high and at this point pot was my main drug of choice,but as i was in the living room i noticed that they would go into another room and come back wide open and so me being curios i asked one of the guys what they where doing and he ask me if i wanted to see.So of course i said yea,so i walked back to the bedroom with him and his older brother was standing there with a piece of tinfoil,lighter and a pen.I had no idea what it was because i had never done that drug before and that day i was introduced to methamphetamine and i was hooked from the first hit it made me feel like i had so much energy and that all that baggage i was carrying got allot lighter.I felt as if i was a new person full of life and i could do anything.Now i fell into that addiction very fast and hard and it even got to where i wouldn't sleep for days and i was loosing weight at a rapid pace.I went from a size 32 to a size 29 in about a month and people at work was noticing the change too.Well that didn't slow me down i even moved to Anderson so i could be closer to my connection.I got to helping a guy make it in his basement and he was making allot.I would deliver it when it was ready and everywhere i went they wanted me to stay and get high,i got to doing this drug more than cigarette's,pot or anything.Ill get to the point in a short.