How Bad?Real Bad!

I told you that i had started smoking crack and doing allot of pills and that sent me into a downward spiral real fast.After i lost my brothers truck because of my addiction i really felt lower than a snakes belly,i started eating pills even more than ever because i just gave up and i thought i was stuck in the rut of no return.I began taking zanex bars and when i say i was taking them you already know that everything I've done so far i have done in excess,so you will not be shocked when i tell you that i was taking about 20 to 25 a day.I was taking my girlfriends whole prescription in about 4 to 5 days and she got 120 a month,now the time i was taking them i felt like i was in control,but that's what they do,they make you feel like nothing can faze you and they help you hide from the truth.Me and her thought we were hiding our addiction pretty good because nobody was saying anything to use so we fell deeper in our drug use.Her Father found out that he had lung cancer and we both were struck hard by that,but we still used.We just couldn't get each other better because we both had bitter roots in our life that we never knew how to deal with,so we just fell deeper into the drugs.The love was there,but allot of pain came between us because we didn't talk to each other until it was to late.Now I'm still with this Lady to this day because of the love that we have for one another and the commitment that we share to make it work.I'm the man i am today partly of her and her family for believing in me even when i didn't.I lost my temper on the morning of Dec.23,2010 and went to the hospital,when i got out i went to a place called Miracle Hill Rescue Mission and there i gave my heart to the LORD on Jan.5,2011 and i haven't looked back sense.I got back in school to get my GED and was chosen for a program that was new to Spartanburg through H.O.P.E Ministries and a man named Shown Parker called a discipleship program that is 6 months long,that started on April,1,2011.

Can a Retch Like Me Be Saved?

I dint know how your life might be,but my life has been such a tornado of emotion and for me to show that i might need help would not be tolerated.I was a man and i was taught not to ask for help because a man does it his self.I got through the rough patch in my life,you could say,by smoking pot everyday and staying single so i didn't have but me to worry about.I finally got a chance to move in with my older sister and her husband,oh yea i forgot to tell you guys that i had a sister and actually i had two,one a year younger and one a year older.My younger sister was adopted by my step dads sister when she was a baby,i told you my life could be on Jerry Springer.Now my older sister and i lived with my mom and step dad until she got pregnant at the age of 17 by the man she is still married to today.Now they let me come live with them and they went to church every time the doors were open.I went with them and tried to get myself right,but i didn't know how and so i just did what i saw them do until i started hearing my sister talk about some of the people at the church behind there backs.Well that just made me fell like if that's the way people were in the church i could do bad all on my own.I had been working for a construction company in Spartanburg and we were building the Gymnasium for Limestone College so i was able to save enough money to buy a truck and i had a way to get around.Now the reason that they let me come to live with them in the first place was because on memorial day 2005 i was at work and my phone rang,but the number was my moms and i hadn't talked to her in 3 years so i let it go to voicemail.I called and the way shy said it hurt me the most,she left a message that said'hey just wanted to let you know that your brother is dead'.He was killed in a motorcycle wreck and that killed me because he was not my real brother,but he looked after me when i was growing up and protected me.I was devastated,i was hurt the most because i hadn't talk to him in a few years because we just lost touch and i couldn't believe i let everything else come in between us.So i went through that on top of everything else i was going through and i was still trying to get a grip on my life by going to church and living right.I never got saved and i never gave my heart to the Lord,so my life kept spinning out of control.I was given a truck that had belonged to my brother,well i gave his widow $500 for it,and by this time i had started a relationship with another woman and we had moved in together,but we were both drug addicts and two drug addicts are not good for each other right?Well lets just say that we got into smoking crack and taking allot of pills,but i keep thinking that we still had everything under control.I had my brothers truck at the apartment that i lived in for a short when me and her moved in together and all i had to do was pay $45 to get it towed to our new house,but i spent to much money on drugs to even pay that and so it got towed and i lost it.OK that's low but it don't stop there.

Getting To Now.

Now you are getting the idea that I'm trying to get across.I have not been a good person or done anything great with my life so far.I have allot of baggage in my life that has caused me to attempt suicide 3 times and hurt everyone who has ever truly loved me and even make me wonder about my sexuality.Now I'm going to tell you how you can get rid of all that and never have to worry about it ever holding you down again or holding you back.First i have to tell you a little more about my life so you dont think that what you have read is all there is to it.After my divorce i got right back to the old me and dove straight back into drugs.I started selling ecstasy and when i say sell i mean i was getting 500 at a time brought to my house by my best friend and he too was selling them.I made good money,but i also had a habit to feed so i kept about 50 to 100 just for myself.Just to let you know how bad i was,do you remember where you were the day of Sep.11,2001?I do i was just getting out of the shower and i got some shorts on,came into my living room at my step dads and nobody was there,but me and my habit.I turned on the TV to see what was on and at the same time i figured oh what the heck ill crush up about three of these rolls and ill snort them.Well as soon as i did and fell back on the couch i look up and there is a news flash that said",a plane just hit the twin towers in NY",so that caught my attention.As i stared at the television i was trying to get myself together i saw the second plane hit and that's when i knew it was no accident.The day the world stood still and i was high as a kite on ecstasy,talk about something to be ashamed of that to me was a Dosi.ill get to the point don't worry.

Bout To Blow You Away.

Now as i was saying i walked over 20 miles to her friends house and when i turned the corner i could see our mini van in the driveway.So i said to myself"OK shes here and in the house with her friend"so i walked up the driveway and as i walked passed the van in heard a laugh that sounded like my wife and i walked up farther and saw that my daughter was in her carseat and she turned and looked at me and smiled.I walked up to the pasenger side of the van and looked in the window and there was my wife and her best friends brother having sex in the front seat.I couldnt believe my eyes,i was shocked to say the least,so i steped back and remember i had 2 knives on me one which you could shave with,the buck knife,and one in my pocket.I thought for a minute and decided they were going to die that night,i stepped back up to the window that was cracked about 4 inches,just enough for me to fit my arm in and said"I'm bout to kill both of you",stuck my arm in with the buck knife and started stabbing.I got him in the chest and all he could do was put my wife in front of him to protect himself.I chaste him butt necked all the way to his front door and when he went in the front door i stopped because i knew if he killed me in his house i was paid for.Now this whole time my wife is putting her clothes on and trying to get out of there.I ran across the road and hide in the back of a truck until i heard the van start up the road,i ran in front of her and told her to at least take me back to my house.She told me that i had a knife and she wouldn't so i through it in to her and she unlocked the door.I got in and remember i still had one in my pocket,so soon as i was in i pulled the other knife and put it to her throat and told her i was going to kill her.I'm not proud of what i done,but i punched her in the face all the way to my house and when we got there we went inside and when i saw the chance i ran and bulldogged her into my dads TV and she almost went through the window.They called the cops on me from a cellphone because i cut every phone line in the house and i went to jail.Well enough old memories for today,back again tomorrow.

I Never Learn!

Im telling you this so you will understand that im a new man and im transparent now with nothing holding me down.I write all of this so nothing from my past can bind me anymore because ive come to a crossroads in my life where i look right and see a dusty road,I look left and i see a man thats way off and he looks like me holding a sign that says"YOU SUCK",then i look foward and i see a bright light and i can't see whats there,but i get a good fealing about going that way so im going foward.Now lets look at my life up til now,ive lied,cheated,stole,robbed,sold and did drugs,lost one daughter and so far been mean to the other one.Ive done sick things when i was alone,married for the wrong reasons,and never got myself right yet.It catches up with me alot so hold on and let me get to the divorced part.I got hurt on the job with a board that fell 25' and hit me in the head,bout knocked me stupid,but i survived.I was out of work and drawing workmans comp and this is where it gets rough,I was faking the whole thing just to get out of working because i saw dollar signs from getting injured on the job even though it was her own family.I got a lawyer and sewed her uncle for us not having hard hats,but after a year and a half i got nothing and ill tell you what happend in that short time.I started sitting at home everyday taking the 40 mlg oxycottons that the doctors put me on after i kept saying that i had a migrain,but that was a lie just to get pain pills and at this point i had got good at faking alot of stuff for drugs.I would take 3 or 4 and crush them between 2 spoons and take them like BC powders.I sat on the couch for months like that and slobered on myself while my family was suffering.The bills where pilling up and we were getting deliveries of groceries from our landlord who we owed money to,but they were good Christians and didnt care about the money they just cared about us.I took advantage of that of course because remember i worked for the devil and i had to keep him happy.After a while they caught on and we were evicted,so we went to my step dads to live and that was a big mistake because as you know a women wants a man who can take care of them nomatter what and that wasnt me at all.So we would fight all the time and one night she said she had had enough and she was going to her sisters house with our daughter.I knew in my gut that she wasnt going there so when she left i got dressed because it was about 11 at night and i put a buck knife on my side and a flip out in my pocket.Now i didnt know for sure where she was headed,but i was going on a gut feeling.I went out the back door and my step brother came out as i was headed down the driveway and asked"where you going? and i never looked back and said"im going to cut her throwt.I walked over 20 miles to her best friends ba because i went to her sisters house and she wasnt there so i keeped going to her friends house because i felt she might be there.Ill get to the point when i get back.

To The Fax Batman!!

OK i meet her and i went to jail for child support that i had got behind on before i signed my rights away.While i was in jail we talked allot and made plans to have a child together.I guess i was trying to make up for the first one i messed up.I just wanted to do something right for once in my life.So the day i got out we went home and well you know!I couldn't believe it when a few weeks later she came to me and said I'm pregnant,wow it was exciting because i thought for sure i wouldn't screw this one up.I didn't even ask her to marry me so even that i messed up,we were at her parents house and she was in the bedroom talking to her parents who were very country by the way and they suggested we get married since she was pregnant.We set a date and got hitched as they say in their world.I wore a solid white tux and she wore a white dress with her belly sticking out as if it were a sign that said"I AM NOT A VIRGIN"and now that i know why the bride wears white it seems funny.I went to work for her dad putting up steel buildings and by this time i had some years in construction,but not steel erecting.The first building i helped him on was 150,000 square feet over in Inman SC.Yea it was huge,but i got the hang of it and i was one of the guys.Her dad loved me to death,but allot of people did when they first meet me so i wasn't surprised.I did my job and we saved up money and got a home at the foot of Glassy Mountain and it was beautiful.I was helping raise my baby girl who was born 6 weeks to early and had trouble her first 6 months.She was only 2 pounds 14 ounces when she was born and even though i was at the hospital and sober this time and ready to see the birth of my little baby girl my dream was quickly shot down when the doctors told me i couldn't be in the room while they did the C-section and that crushed me i started crying and i was so hurt.The doctors came in and said i could see her for just a second before they took her to Greenville NICU to try and save her life.They brought her in,i looked at her and she was gone,so i stayed and waited on a call from the NICU that was going to tell me that she was stable and i could come see her.So i waited with my wife as she was recuperating from the operation.They called me 6 hours later and said she was stable so her dad took me at 1 in the morning to see our sweet baby girl.We had to stay at the hospital in a apartment that they have in the NICU til she got up to 4 pounds,it took 2 months.OK ill jump forward a bit and tell you that i still had evil in me even when she was home and was 1 years old because i used to get a kick out of throwing her up in the air and she would hold her breath because she was scared,but i would still do it until she started crying.I was so mean that i would push her down by her face when her mom was gone and make her cry.I even would throw stuffed animals at her and knock her down so it wouldn't leave any marks on her.I'm a sinner remember so that means that i was working for the devil and i made sure that he was pleased at my performance.ill get into why we got a divorce when i get back.

The Devil Never Rests.

Well its Sunday and I'm blogging so that i can get you guys up to speed on my life and where I'm at right now.I left off telling you that i still struggle with stuff and that I've done some pretty bad things in my life.You know that i had a daughter that i gave up and you know about my drug use,so know let me fill you in on my life when i meet my x-wife and i will explain why she is my x so don't worry.It all started when i left South Carolina and moved to Florida after my mom left my step dad and went back to my real father,boy my life could definitely be an episode of Jerry Springer!!!hahaha So my mom and dad were back together,but i still lived with my step dad because he was so cool and he was not as hard on me as my mom was.I think the main reason was that i felt that i loved him more because at that time i thought my mom was crazy.She had multiple personality's and mood swings that were awful.So anyway i moved to Florida for about a year,I was 20 when i left and turn 21 in FFlorida and then moved back because of course my mom left my dad again and went back to my step dad,hope you can keep up,this happens a few more times before her and my real dad finally stay together.My life wasn't the only one in kayos,and so i moved back with a new prospective you can say,about just starting over and putting the past behind me.I didn't have a job so when an old friend came by and said he needed help with a job he was doing i said sure i would love to help and make a little money.We went to a house to do a brick foundation and as we took a break we went in to talk with the owners and in walked in a 5'1'' girl who was with her boyfriend and sat down and started talking to the other people.I sat there quite as a mouse and i knew i knew her from somewhere,but i couldn't remember.She spoke to my friend and ask who you got with you and when i said my name she jumped up and ran over hugged me and said I'm Lucy,right then i remembered who she was.I talked to her briefly and we made plans to go out that night,it was a Friday.I'm getting to mushy again so ill start the next blog with the straight fax.